Love Letters: Love in the ordinary

My dearest children,
Papa and Mama celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary a few weeks back.  It marked the end of Mama's confinement period, and I was craving beef. A juicy burger, to be exact. So I suggested that we head to Burger King for our celebratory dinner, much to Papa's horror.

I didn't get my burger. But I did get really good prime beef short ribs that I had to cook on a sizzling lava rock, and a huge bunch of flowers to boot. The bouquet had one sunflower, ten roses (for our ten years), and four carnations (representing the four of you). The florist told Papa he had chosen the strangest combination, however I begged to differ.

It was a lovely dinner, and the food was excellent. You could taste the effort that went into creating each dish: the layers of texture and flavours, all expertly blended together. You would have thought it would have been one of those romantic dinners, with candlelight, wine and some life-changing conversation. Instead, it was like a scene from one of our meals at home, except everyone was better dressed, and thankfully we only had one child to feed. 

Baby J, you chose to poop first thing upon us reaching our destination, and the building that the restaurant was housed in did not have a changing table. We had to change you in the balcony, you perched upon the table with nothing between you and a eight metre drop, while I held on tightly to you. You fretted most of the time during dinner, and I ate half of the delicious food surreptitiously standing up in a corner, as I rocked you. We didn't have life-changing conversations. However, we did enjoy some quiet chit-chat, without the usual interruptions of having to bring a kid to the potty, or chasing a wandering toddler. 

Many would say that romance disappears after the wedding. It does, if you are looking for it in all the wrong places. The bouquets and letters might decrease in number, the celebratory moments may become fewer and far between. This is even more so when there are kids in the picture. You can't really enjoy a quiet candlelit dinner when there are toddlers about: they need to be chased and fed, and sometimes might try to burn down the house with the candle. 

But love? It doesn't slip away, making a quiet exit because everyone is just too busy trying to survive and care for the kids. Instead it grows, but you need to look carefully to spot it. You can find it in the kitchen, when one person does the dishes so the other can rest. You feel it in the hands of the person who volunteers to clean up the puke or the pee accident. You see it in the everyday moments, when one person decides to put the other's needs above their own. You sense it even in the quarrels, when one learns to control the tongue, and put aside pride to say "I'm sorry". 

This kind of love is quiet. It's not showy with loud proclamations of adoration, but always there. As 1st Corinthians 13 puts it: "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 

I once read that while our God is all-powerful, we meet Him mainly in the plain moments of everyday life:

"We encounter God in the ordinariness of life: 

not in the search for spiritual highs and extraordinary, mystical experiences 

but in our simple presence in life.”  

- Brennan Manning

I think it is the same when it comes to love, since we are only able to love through Him. We find love in the everyday moments, in our daily grind, in the grittiness of real life. Of course there are the high points, of celebrations and romantic dinners. These are not wrong in and of themselves. However, be careful not to use these as a barometer for a relationship, because it is much easier to buy flowers, than commit to doing the vacuuming week after week. Look hard for love in the ordinary, and be thankful for it when you do find it.

One day you will grow up, and you would start looking for love in that special someone. I pray that you'll look for love in the right places. Meanwhile, we pray that we'll be able to love each other and love you as God has loved us. 

Love, 

Your Mama and Papa.

Worry: A thief of Joy

You might say we have a perfect life. Ten years of marriage, four healthy little children,  an exciting move into a new home. Of course we've had our problems, but our blessings far outweigh the troubles we've encountered, and we have been very blessed.

However, I admit that since the day my first baby was placed into my hands, I've always worried that all this was too good to be true. That I was blessed with so much, that some measure of sorrow must be given. That perhaps one day, I might be like Job, and have some of these precious people, or things wretched away from me. Like most parents, we fretted when we discovered troubling health symptoms in our children, and we worried about major illnesses. (Recently, we had to do an ultrasound on Baby J, as there was a possibility she had spinal bifida.) We worried about their education, after making the decision to homeschool.  We had sleepless nights, after all the issues and mess-ups that occurred during the process to purchase our home.

Today, I sat in church listening to the sermon, one hand trying to feed a baby who strained and kicked. I didn't manage to follow through the sermon, since I had to nurse and then change the baby. One particular thing though, caught my attention. My pastor shared about how a father he knew found so much joy in the birth of his son. However, this father could not really enjoy his son, simply because he was so worried that something might happen to his little one. My pastor shared that sometimes we might be like that father, and reminded us that God is not a bully, someone out there maliciously planning to trip us up. This really hit home, since there have been so many times where I've let my worries get in the way of enjoying my blessings. In a sense, I was like an overly suspicious person, who receives a wonderful gift. Instead of enjoying that gift, I would hold it gingerly with two fingers, and ask "now, what's the catch?".

I've had less problem trusting God in the tough times, of which we've had our fair share. Our world is a fallen world, and I know that pain, loss, illness & death a part of our sinful inheritance. However, while I was able to look to God when things are difficult, I was still not fully convinced of His goodness to enjoy the blessings He has bestowed. Because I didn't know God truly as the good God that He was, I let worry into my heart, and it robbed me of joy.

When Birds Worry 

When the birds begin to worry 

And the lilies toil and spin, 

And God’s creatures all are anxious, 

Then I also may begin. 

For my Father sets their table, 

Decks them out in garments fine, 

And if He supplies their living, 

Will He not provide for mine? 

Just as noisy, common sparrows 

Can be found most anywhere

Unto some just worthless creatures, 

If they perish who would care? 

Yet our Heavenly Father numbers 

Every creature great and small, 

Caring even for the sparrows. 

Marking when to earth they fall. 

If His children’s hairs are numbered, 

Why should we be filled with fear? 

He has promised all that’s needful, 

And in trouble to be near.

- Anon

Today, I am reminded to enjoy my children and my blessings, and to give thanks to the Giver, while trusting that He who gives good gifts also holds our tomorrows. May we continue to keep looking to Him!

Love Letters: Ten good years

My dearest children,

Your Papa and Mama got married ten years ago. People have a lot of alternative names for marriage, from tying the knot, to getting hitched (interestingly enough, this phrase came from the practice of hitching horses together to pull a wagon). Whatever you call it, marriage involves the union of two people. Since people are never perfect, you'll find that this union is also imperfect. You'll know, since you've witnessed the times when we argue and fight, the times when we get angry at each other and end up shouting at each other.

However, conflicts aside, you've also seen how a marriage is love in action (or at least, I hope you have!). I remember a Reverend once defined love as "an intelligent willingness to do what is best for the other person", and that made sense. Love isn't a feeling, because feelings are fickle and change with the minute. Love is a verb: it is a conscious act of putting someone's needs above your own. You've seen it in the way Papa stays up to load the dishwasher, so that Mama can rest, or how he works hard to provide for the family. He isn't one who is lavish with gifts or words, but he shows his love quietly in his actions.

The world will tell you that you need to find a spouse that completes you, that fulfills your every need. Unfortunately, you'll find that you'll never be able to find a person that will do that, because only Jesus is able to fulfill our every need. That being said, marriage involves a partnership, and partners complement, and build each other up. I know it is the case for us, and we help the other fill in the gaps for our weaknesses. Papa's the rational and logical one, while I help him to understand the emotional, rather irrational side of things. He brings spontaneity to our outings, and helps me to loosen up a little, while I help him to keep track of our appointments, and things to do because he just can't seem to remember. You've witnessed the debates we've had, from identifying the instrument playing over the radio (Mama always turns out to be right, because she was the one who played in the symphonic band, though she doesn't have that music diploma that Papa has!), to politics (Papa says I need to think and care more deeply about these things). Many a time, our different personalities mean that we fight like cats and dogs. However, we're learning, just like you, to love more, and to love better each day.

On to a side point: When you grow up, you'll find that you'll be given all kinds of suggestions for the perfect wedding. These days, weddings are becoming more and more magical (and correspondingly more and more expensive!). But don't you forget, that the wedding is just the beginning. It is not about how many tables you have at the banquet, or what car you use, or if you had your pictures taken against a Greek sunset by the beach, but about how you live those years after the wedding. Boring I know. However, that is a lifetime of meals eaten together, and a lifetime of rides together, be it on the train, bus or car. It'll be a lifetime of sunsets, and lots of photo opportunities along the way... and that is so much better. (And another tip if I may: Don't spend too much on those wedding portraits and albums. Many advised us about this, and I've found it to be true, since the albums end up collecting dust!)

It's been ten good years for Papa and me. There have been hard times, and times when we feel like tearing our hair out. But there have been such wonderful times too, and we've seen how God has helped us through it all. The four of you are one of the most precious things we have gained in this marriage, and we couldn't thank Him enough for each of you. But for today, here's to the two of us, for the rest of our lives.

Love,
Mama

PS: To the hubby:
Thank you for putting up with all my craziness for the past ten years! Love you!

Love Letters: In His good time

My dearest children,

Mama used to teach. I had the opportunity to witness the phenomenon called "growing up" on hundreds of students, where I saw them change from rather mischievous young boys, into men. These ex-students of mine are all in their twenties now. Many are working, and some even have gotten married! Some of these students were quite a handful in school: they failed subjects, they were rowdy in class, they couldn't sit still. Some fell asleep in class half the time, some had alot of angst, some of them sometimes forgot to do their homework. But you know what? Almost all of them turned out pretty ok in the end. The pimples cleared up, the moodiness of adolescence faded, and they grew up.

I had the chance to chat with one of my ex-students recently, when he dropped me a note to ask if I was able to write a letter of recommendation for his application to university. His story was different from the typical kid studying in Singapore, and I am sharing his story here with permission. While most take the direct path of secondary, then tertiary education, he dropped out of polytechnic halfway, and later went to do his National Service. It was in NS that he decided to sit for his A levels as a private candidate, and he went on to do pretty well. It was a story of determination, and he shared that to study for his As, he borrowed notes from strangers in the library, and got notes off the internet. Now he is applying for University.

While my student's story had a somewhat happy "ending", I can imagine how his parents would have been worried about him. As parents, we tend to worry about your future. Living in this society that values academic qualifications doesn't help, especially when the focus tends towards accelerating learning, even during the early childhood years. I admit, sometimes I am terrified when thinking about the uncertainties that homeschooling brings, since this is a path less trodden. But my student's story is a reminder to me, that not every child's path through life is a straight one. Some take a more meandering path, some head the wrong way, only to make a u-turn later. Whatever the case, I am again assured that God makes all things beautiful in His own time, and that we need to continue trusting in Him. I need to keep remembering that He holds your futures in His loving hands, and that everyone's journey is different.

Now all of you are still young, and it is my hope that you'll keep playing, exploring and discovering. You've taught me how achieving all these milestones of growing up are a matter of time. I've learnt that some just need a little more time to get there. No matter what, know that we'll never give up on you, and that we'll always be behind you. So take your time. Like how flowers grow and blossom in according to the seasons, bloom only when you're ready.

Love,
Your Mama and Papa.