Dear husband to a stay-home mum...

Us SAHMs (and work at home mums too) can be a queer lot. I know. My husband sometimes says that. Some days, you come home to a tidy home and a happy wife and everything's balmy. Some days though, anything you say seems to set off an explosion at home, and the house is a wreck (of course, experience has taught you not to say anything about that though!).

After ten years of marriage and seven over years of learning how to raise kids, I thought I'd share some tips on how to care for and understand that lovely person who is your wife and mother to your children (and hey, many of these tips will apply to working mums too!).

For starters, try imagining if your day at work involved dealing with three clients. Yes, just three. Now, you have to provide meals for these folk, and they all have different preferences. The youngest client likes to eat around the clock, and demands milk feeds every three hours. It doesn't matter if you are sleeping. The client is always right. Then the other two have decidedly different taste buds. What is yummy to one is yucky to another. So your interesting and challenging job is to figure out how to cook for, and ensure that all the clients get fed, PLUS clean up any mess that ensues.

Now cooking portfolio aside, you also have KPIs on providing attentive service: you need to wash butts when they get dirty, and you need to answer endless questions about everything and anything,   You are not allowed to visit the toilet unsupervised, because a certain client needs to know how big your poo is and wether you are hiding in the toilet to eat something yummy that you don't want them to have. Your workplace is generally very noisy, and crying can be quite a common occurrence.

Besides having to be vigilant and ensuring your clients don't fight and will get along well, you also need to read many stories. Sometimes you have to read one story, many times. Again, the customer is always right, so don't try to get yourself off this duty. You need to mediate fights if they happen, and sometimes risk getting socked in the eye when you wade into the fray to separate your angry clients apart.

Speaking of angry, your clients tend to go a little berserk if they don't have a nap. So another important duty you have is to ensure they sleep. But for some strange reason, you'll find that getting them to sleep is akin to getting your clients to drink bitter medicine when they are sick: they declare they don't need it (though they obviously do) and will fight you tooth and nail about it.

Add all this to other duties, such as the laundry and folding clothes (if you don't have a full-time helper) and overseeing your clients to ensure they do their homework, and washing countless dishes and cleaning floors that get grimy after just one hour. And then take away any real adult interaction or conversations in person, and monetary renumeration, and any healthcare benefits and sick leave. This is more or less the "job" that a SAHM does, every.single.day. Which is why:

:: SAHMs tend to be very concerned about what time you are ending work. 
No, we don't intend to lie in wait at the door at 5 pm to shove the fighting kids over to you and go off to watch TV. But when we are in the midst of trying to cook dinner with a baby in a carrier and a toddler clinging on to one leg, we can't help sending you a message with that question. It gives us hope. It gives us a time when we can be a little less vigilant, because we are no longer the only adult in the house. We know you are tired from work. Trust me, we don't enjoy having to ask for help the minute you step into the house. But we really look forward to you coming home, all of us do. And of course, we also look forward to the time where we are able to go to the toilet without a chaperone, and perhaps cook dinner without sweating buckets while carrying a baby.

:: You may be the first adult we really talk to at the end of a long day. So what you say really matters.
According to research, our brains are wired to have a negativity bias, and we remember negative comments more than positive ones. In fact, for married couples, it takes five positive comments to offset one negative comment! A SAHM who spends her day with the kids, who are usually not generous with praise and tend to pepper their conversations with "no!", "don't want" or "don't like!" might feel defeated by the end of a hard day, and encouraging words will always be really welcome.

:: SAHMs may need to rant to you about their day. But we just need a listening ear, not a solution to our problems.
After a full day of wiping butts and breaking up fights and trying to put a baby back to sleep after a screaming toddler woke him up, we usually need to do a little ranting to you to let off steam, and listening to us is the best thing you could do. In most cases, some reassurance that we're doing ok, or even some praise for a yummy dinner would help. Please don't overanalyze and try to offer solutions, we just needed to talk!

:: SAHMs may need some time to do some mindless scrolling of their FB feed, or engage in some random chats on Watsapp. 
You see, many of us may not get alot of adult interaction in the day, and we spend most of our time talking to little people, who can be amazingly funny and cute... but they are still little people. Social media and our mobile phones becomes our base for connecting with other adults, never mind if it's not exactly real-life interaction. So please don't begrudge us that time.

:: For SAHMs who are introverts, we may be too exhausted and drained at night to chat with you. 
It's not personal. It's just that being around little people all the time can be really draining, and we may need some alone to recharge those batteries.

:: Mess bothers us. Because we are the ones who usually have to clean it up.
Which is why we we do cry over spilt milk (whoever coined that term obviously didn't have kids), and why we are so insistent on clean-up time. And why we get really upset with you when you rummage through your drawers and rumple all the neatly folded stacks of clothes. And why we love it when you help out with the chores!

:: We may struggle with self-worth issues, and really need your encouragement.
It's a lot harder to be a mum in this age of social media. Pinterest posts scream at us that we need to make pretty bentos to be a good mum. Instagram photos depict picture-perfect homes with happy children, while we struggle to get past each day without the kids fighting all the time. It's silly and we know it, but we do compare ourselves with those we encounter on social media. Please help us, by being generous with your encouragement. Remind us that what we have now is real life, and our real life is worth living fully, not grudgingly in the shadow of someone else's highlight reel. Oh, and please buy us happy food (even though you think we need to lose a few pounds of our pregnancy weight)!

:: We need a day off occasionally. 
It's probably difficult when the kids are younger, but a day off really works wonders for refreshing a SAHM's spirit. We know a day off for us is a day of "work" for you, but I think we do need that occasional break from the kids. Or if it's possible, rope in the grands to babysit, and then schedule a date night! I remember how much I looked forward to my Pilates sessions each week when I was expecting Baby J, it was just 3 hours away from home, but it helped so much.

:: You could pray for, and with us.
Because we always need God's grace, and we always could do with someone praying hard for us.

PS: I blog this from my viewpoint as a SAHM. SAHMs take a lot of flak: we get labelled as "tai tai" when our lives are anything but, and we get criticized about getting our degrees and higher education since it's apparently a waste of money. However, this is not to say the working mums have it any easier, and theirs is a different set of challenges (now for working mums, if you could write to your hubbies, what would you let him know?). I am thankful that over the years, the hubby has been a great pillar of support, and we are learning how to care for, and meet each other's needs better.

To my little girl

Dearest baby,

You had to wait for Mama today. I had to apply ointment for two of your brothers, and feed medicines, and puff them. You were tired, you fussed a little, but you waited. I had to rush to get your brother ready for class, and the repairman decided to come earlier to repair the washing machine, and I couldn't attend to you. You waited. Your brother had a pee accident on the floor, and I was rushing around like a crazy woman, and you waited. 

Some days I feel so bad, that you have to do so much waiting. You are only three months old, but you seem to know that Mama is up to her neck in trying to care for all of you. So you fuss when you need me, like any baby would, but you tend to wait longer and you don't scream as much. I think God knew, and blessed me with you, with your milder temperament and better ability to self-sooth. 

They say it gets easier with each baby, but it isn't true, since it really depends on baby's temperament and a whole lot of other factors. I am so thankful that in this crazy time, you've been quite the angel, and I thank God everyday for the blessing that is you.

Love,
Your Mama.

So how do you do it all?

I have been getting this question rather frequently these days. "How do you do it?" I am asked. "How do you settle your renovation, homeschool, tend to a newborn, care for three other kids, do the housework, while not having a maid?"  Many a times, I wonder if the person is waiting for me to share some secret tip to doing it all, or waiting for me to reassure them that it isn't possible, and that life is a mess right now.

Whatever the case, the truth is that I have no answer to that question.

There is no secret tip to doing it all. I've learnt that you can't have it all. You can't have three kids and a newborn, homeschool, and renovate a house while keeping your own home spick and span, especially if your cleaning lady has to leave Singapore for home for three weeks. You can't care for a newborn and do pin-worthy learning activities while ensuring that the meals get cooked. You can't clear out the study for an impending visit, pack to move, plan your new kitchen, while writing regular blog posts. Something has to give. Life isn't a non-stop series of Instagram-worthy moments, and most of what isn't captured isn't pretty.

Which is why, yes, I can reassure you it isn't possible to do it all, and yes, life is quite a mess right now. I am so tired from staying up late to pack, to settle chores, to work out our renovation details. Yet while we try to get as much done as possible, there are always more things to be tackled, more messes to be cleaned up.

As I write this, the floor is littered with a confetti of cut paper that the toddler has spilt after a snowflake cutting activity that the older two have been doing. I still need to clear out the study, and it is a huge mess of half-packed boxes. The laundry is running, because the toddler has taken to peeing on the bed once in a while. The house is filthy, because I've no time or energy to vacuum, and our regular cleaning lady is away (so I've resorted to calling an alternative cleaner, thanks to a friend's recommendation). The home is a far cry from looking like this. The baby will wake up soon to nurse. Our dryer is spoilt and we have loaned my mum's one for the moment until we move, and it is now chugging along inside the study room (because there was no place else for it). We've not done much school these days, save for spelling and reading. And I am very very tired.

So yes, I am not doing it all, and I don't intend to. After all, I am human, not some robot that doesn't need to sleep. But whatever the case, this period of craziness has taught me some lessons:

:: Just do the next thing. As always. Because the only way to go is through.

:: Eliminate to concentrate. Because we can only do so much, and we need to stay focused.

:: We must fight, to choose joy. Because everyday can be a battle, but we can fight to count our blessings.

:: God enables when you are unable. Because we are treasures in jars of clay, and He patches us up with gold when we crack under pressure.

:: Our thorns are what keep us pinned close to God:

"The weaknesses, failures, and sins of our family are the places where we learn that we need grace too. It is there, in those dark mercies, that God teaches us to be humbly dependent. It is there that He draws near to us and sweetly reveals His grace. Paul's suffering teaches us to reinterpret our thorn. Instead of seeing it as a curse, we are to see it as the very thing that keeps us "pinned close to the Lord." 

- Elyse M Fitzpatrick

These days have been days of tears, of exhaustion, but these have been days of witnessing God's grace over and over again. 

Life with four

Life with four has been crazy. 

It's the kind of crazy that turns you into an active volcano, one that is simmering and bubbling and all ready to explode. It's the kind of crazy that warrants me sneaking into the kitchen, for "just one bite of chocolate", until at the end of the day, you realize you have eaten half a huge bar of chocolate. It's the kind of crazy that has you flopped on the bed exhausted from having to babywear most of the day, wondering what on earth you did, aside from keep yourself and four little beings alive. 

These days, there seems always to be at least one kid crying, two kids fighting, and some new mess that needs to be cleaned up. We think Small J is on the verge of dropping his nap, and hence his whole schedule is pretty much messed up. He fights sleep, even though he's tired, and sometimes I find it impossible to make him nap. However, an early bedtime for him is challenging, because the hubby puts all three boys to bed, and can't be in two places at one time. So I try my best to make him nap, and find myself grinding my teeth and trying not to yell in the hour or two that he tosses and plays until he falls asleep. We're still figuring out a way to ensure he gets enough rest, but meanwhile, we end up with a really cranky and whiny kid who is also at the peak of his terrible twos.

Mealtimes are a huge challenge. Just the other day, Small J was melting down after lunch, because he had woken up early. His screaming woke the baby, whom I had to put in her chair because I had to carry the upset toddler. Lil J wasn't eating his lunch, and decided there and then he had to go poo. So I had to leave the crying baby, pacify the screaming toddler (figs did the trick), and clean up Lil J. 

Today, Lil J kept disturbing Small J, and the toddler decided that he couldn't take it any longer and messed up a Perler bead creation that Lil J was working on. Lil J lost it, and both started to go for each other. The shouting and crying woke the baby. I had to drag Lil J to the room to cool down, rush to finish lunch prep, while asking Junior J to help to repair Lil J's creation. Thankfully my dad was around, so he helped to carry the baby, while I had a talk with Lil J. Later, Lil J decided he was too upset to eat. And Small J also decided not to eat, and proceeded to spit every single mouthful I fed him. He then proceeded to demand for a chocolate egg, which of course, he didn't get. He went to bed hungry, after a fair bit of screaming and struggling, and then took ages to fall asleep. 

I catch myself wishing I was an octopus, and envision myself with waving tentacles deftly cooking, wielding the cane, separating fighting siblings, and eating my chocolate... all at the same time. 

But octopus I am not. And so, it has been prayer and prayer and more prayer. And chocolate. Lots of it. And sometimes, outbursts of crying. 

However, amidst the madness there are always bittersweet moments, that help you to think that having four and choosing to stay home isn't that bad. Sometimes it's seeing how Junior J has risen up to the occasion, and helps care for his younger siblings. Or how the older two are now helping to prepare dinner by chopping up stuff. Or those sweet moments where all four are hanging out together, and no one is fighting. There are also those times when you realize that they grow so, so fast. Or the times when you discover that they are making progress in an area that they were struggling. And suddenly, the world stops spinning at a dizzying rate, and slows down for your heart to capture a snapshot to remember forever.

And of course baby smiles. Baby smiles always make things better. 

They say God never gives you more than you can bear, and life these days are a testament to that. His mercies are truly new every morning, and I know things will get better as time passes. Meanwhile, there's always prayer, and more chocolate. :) 

PS: I've hardly the time to blog these days, so for more snippets of crazy, head over here!

Love Letters: Love in the ordinary

My dearest children,
Papa and Mama celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary a few weeks back.  It marked the end of Mama's confinement period, and I was craving beef. A juicy burger, to be exact. So I suggested that we head to Burger King for our celebratory dinner, much to Papa's horror.

I didn't get my burger. But I did get really good prime beef short ribs that I had to cook on a sizzling lava rock, and a huge bunch of flowers to boot. The bouquet had one sunflower, ten roses (for our ten years), and four carnations (representing the four of you). The florist told Papa he had chosen the strangest combination, however I begged to differ.

It was a lovely dinner, and the food was excellent. You could taste the effort that went into creating each dish: the layers of texture and flavours, all expertly blended together. You would have thought it would have been one of those romantic dinners, with candlelight, wine and some life-changing conversation. Instead, it was like a scene from one of our meals at home, except everyone was better dressed, and thankfully we only had one child to feed. 

Baby J, you chose to poop first thing upon us reaching our destination, and the building that the restaurant was housed in did not have a changing table. We had to change you in the balcony, you perched upon the table with nothing between you and a eight metre drop, while I held on tightly to you. You fretted most of the time during dinner, and I ate half of the delicious food surreptitiously standing up in a corner, as I rocked you. We didn't have life-changing conversations. However, we did enjoy some quiet chit-chat, without the usual interruptions of having to bring a kid to the potty, or chasing a wandering toddler. 

Many would say that romance disappears after the wedding. It does, if you are looking for it in all the wrong places. The bouquets and letters might decrease in number, the celebratory moments may become fewer and far between. This is even more so when there are kids in the picture. You can't really enjoy a quiet candlelit dinner when there are toddlers about: they need to be chased and fed, and sometimes might try to burn down the house with the candle. 

But love? It doesn't slip away, making a quiet exit because everyone is just too busy trying to survive and care for the kids. Instead it grows, but you need to look carefully to spot it. You can find it in the kitchen, when one person does the dishes so the other can rest. You feel it in the hands of the person who volunteers to clean up the puke or the pee accident. You see it in the everyday moments, when one person decides to put the other's needs above their own. You sense it even in the quarrels, when one learns to control the tongue, and put aside pride to say "I'm sorry". 

This kind of love is quiet. It's not showy with loud proclamations of adoration, but always there. As 1st Corinthians 13 puts it: "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 

I once read that while our God is all-powerful, we meet Him mainly in the plain moments of everyday life:

"We encounter God in the ordinariness of life: 

not in the search for spiritual highs and extraordinary, mystical experiences 

but in our simple presence in life.”  

- Brennan Manning

I think it is the same when it comes to love, since we are only able to love through Him. We find love in the everyday moments, in our daily grind, in the grittiness of real life. Of course there are the high points, of celebrations and romantic dinners. These are not wrong in and of themselves. However, be careful not to use these as a barometer for a relationship, because it is much easier to buy flowers, than commit to doing the vacuuming week after week. Look hard for love in the ordinary, and be thankful for it when you do find it.

One day you will grow up, and you would start looking for love in that special someone. I pray that you'll look for love in the right places. Meanwhile, we pray that we'll be able to love each other and love you as God has loved us. 

Love, 

Your Mama and Papa.

Worry: A thief of Joy

You might say we have a perfect life. Ten years of marriage, four healthy little children,  an exciting move into a new home. Of course we've had our problems, but our blessings far outweigh the troubles we've encountered, and we have been very blessed.

However, I admit that since the day my first baby was placed into my hands, I've always worried that all this was too good to be true. That I was blessed with so much, that some measure of sorrow must be given. That perhaps one day, I might be like Job, and have some of these precious people, or things wretched away from me. Like most parents, we fretted when we discovered troubling health symptoms in our children, and we worried about major illnesses. (Recently, we had to do an ultrasound on Baby J, as there was a possibility she had spinal bifida.) We worried about their education, after making the decision to homeschool.  We had sleepless nights, after all the issues and mess-ups that occurred during the process to purchase our home.

Today, I sat in church listening to the sermon, one hand trying to feed a baby who strained and kicked. I didn't manage to follow through the sermon, since I had to nurse and then change the baby. One particular thing though, caught my attention. My pastor shared about how a father he knew found so much joy in the birth of his son. However, this father could not really enjoy his son, simply because he was so worried that something might happen to his little one. My pastor shared that sometimes we might be like that father, and reminded us that God is not a bully, someone out there maliciously planning to trip us up. This really hit home, since there have been so many times where I've let my worries get in the way of enjoying my blessings. In a sense, I was like an overly suspicious person, who receives a wonderful gift. Instead of enjoying that gift, I would hold it gingerly with two fingers, and ask "now, what's the catch?".

I've had less problem trusting God in the tough times, of which we've had our fair share. Our world is a fallen world, and I know that pain, loss, illness & death a part of our sinful inheritance. However, while I was able to look to God when things are difficult, I was still not fully convinced of His goodness to enjoy the blessings He has bestowed. Because I didn't know God truly as the good God that He was, I let worry into my heart, and it robbed me of joy.

When Birds Worry 

When the birds begin to worry 

And the lilies toil and spin, 

And God’s creatures all are anxious, 

Then I also may begin. 

For my Father sets their table, 

Decks them out in garments fine, 

And if He supplies their living, 

Will He not provide for mine? 

Just as noisy, common sparrows 

Can be found most anywhere

Unto some just worthless creatures, 

If they perish who would care? 

Yet our Heavenly Father numbers 

Every creature great and small, 

Caring even for the sparrows. 

Marking when to earth they fall. 

If His children’s hairs are numbered, 

Why should we be filled with fear? 

He has promised all that’s needful, 

And in trouble to be near.

- Anon

Today, I am reminded to enjoy my children and my blessings, and to give thanks to the Giver, while trusting that He who gives good gifts also holds our tomorrows. May we continue to keep looking to Him!

Love Letters: Ten good years

My dearest children,

Your Papa and Mama got married ten years ago. People have a lot of alternative names for marriage, from tying the knot, to getting hitched (interestingly enough, this phrase came from the practice of hitching horses together to pull a wagon). Whatever you call it, marriage involves the union of two people. Since people are never perfect, you'll find that this union is also imperfect. You'll know, since you've witnessed the times when we argue and fight, the times when we get angry at each other and end up shouting at each other.

However, conflicts aside, you've also seen how a marriage is love in action (or at least, I hope you have!). I remember a Reverend once defined love as "an intelligent willingness to do what is best for the other person", and that made sense. Love isn't a feeling, because feelings are fickle and change with the minute. Love is a verb: it is a conscious act of putting someone's needs above your own. You've seen it in the way Papa stays up to load the dishwasher, so that Mama can rest, or how he works hard to provide for the family. He isn't one who is lavish with gifts or words, but he shows his love quietly in his actions.

The world will tell you that you need to find a spouse that completes you, that fulfills your every need. Unfortunately, you'll find that you'll never be able to find a person that will do that, because only Jesus is able to fulfill our every need. That being said, marriage involves a partnership, and partners complement, and build each other up. I know it is the case for us, and we help the other fill in the gaps for our weaknesses. Papa's the rational and logical one, while I help him to understand the emotional, rather irrational side of things. He brings spontaneity to our outings, and helps me to loosen up a little, while I help him to keep track of our appointments, and things to do because he just can't seem to remember. You've witnessed the debates we've had, from identifying the instrument playing over the radio (Mama always turns out to be right, because she was the one who played in the symphonic band, though she doesn't have that music diploma that Papa has!), to politics (Papa says I need to think and care more deeply about these things). Many a time, our different personalities mean that we fight like cats and dogs. However, we're learning, just like you, to love more, and to love better each day.

On to a side point: When you grow up, you'll find that you'll be given all kinds of suggestions for the perfect wedding. These days, weddings are becoming more and more magical (and correspondingly more and more expensive!). But don't you forget, that the wedding is just the beginning. It is not about how many tables you have at the banquet, or what car you use, or if you had your pictures taken against a Greek sunset by the beach, but about how you live those years after the wedding. Boring I know. However, that is a lifetime of meals eaten together, and a lifetime of rides together, be it on the train, bus or car. It'll be a lifetime of sunsets, and lots of photo opportunities along the way... and that is so much better. (And another tip if I may: Don't spend too much on those wedding portraits and albums. Many advised us about this, and I've found it to be true, since the albums end up collecting dust!)

It's been ten good years for Papa and me. There have been hard times, and times when we feel like tearing our hair out. But there have been such wonderful times too, and we've seen how God has helped us through it all. The four of you are one of the most precious things we have gained in this marriage, and we couldn't thank Him enough for each of you. But for today, here's to the two of us, for the rest of our lives.

Love,
Mama

PS: To the hubby:
Thank you for putting up with all my craziness for the past ten years! Love you!

What do you line your nest with?

Children are burdens.

"They cost a lot to bring up. They leave you with almost no time to yourself, and you don't get much of a life, unless you are able to get help to watch them. Don't have more than one or two kids, since they'll suck you dry. How do you think you're going to cope with four and homeschool? Much better to just pack them off to school."

I have been struggling through the week. As I stumbled through each day, with sick me and sick kids who pick at their food, with juggling sorting out house buy/sell matters and having bankers over to sign this or that, with homeschooling distracted little boys and wrestling with chores, with power struggles of a strong-willed child... these little voices, ingrained in my head by well-intentioned friends and family, kept nagging at me.

I have been losing my temper a lot this week. There are so many messes, messes that no one bothers to pick up except me, the one who can't bend over because I am 36 weeks pregnant. The pregnancy hormones are raging, the children keep fighting over tiny things and refuse to give in. The nagging little voices continue in my head.

And yesterday, after another power struggle with a strong-willed child, I snapped. I wondered if those voices were right. Why do I even bother?

I texted a friend to pray for me. I paused to think about the past two weeks. Weeks that have been exhausting, because we've been settling house matters, while caring for sick kids that keep us up at night. Weeks that have seen more than their usual share of messes, because of kids throwing up. Weeks that have forced us to our knees to pray because so many things are beyond our control.

Then I happened to read about drudgery:

"But the messes and the crying children and the electricity problems are just the individual puzzle pieces... When I step back, I see that the cooking and the homework and the messes are part of the much more glorious picture of what God is doing in our family." 


And I was reminded about a post I read about mother ducks lining their nests with feathers, plucked from themselves. Not leftover feathers that have been shed, not scavenged materials from the ground. But feathers, pulled from their own bodies.

"But it’s those words that mesmerize me: “Mother ducks pick feathers from their chests, to line their nests.” 

I lay my hand on the page, on a duck breast puffed, mother plunging beak in deep, and I say it out loud: “How else did you think nests were lined?” 

 With leftovers. 

That’s what I thought. 

With feathers discarded, the molted, the not-so-necessary feathers. I thought mother ducks picked feathers up from what was laying about, scraps, lining nests with what simply could be mustered after the fact. 

But no. No, a mother duck plucks each feather out from the heart of her bosom. She lines the nest with bits of herself — the best of herself."


And I realized that I really needed to pray. To guard my heart against bitterness and resentment. To find joy in the journey, to enjoy the littleness and messiness of my children, to find meaning in staying home and caring for the kids. Some days are harder than others, and our work is never finished, but God's grace never runs dry.

This screwtape letter came at such an apt moment (I shared it on the FB page and I know many of you identified!):

"Along those lines, be sure the Mother starts to value productivity above everything else. Have her wake up early and work non-stop until bedtime. If the husband relaxes in the evening with an hour of computer gaming, be sure the wife notices the pile of unfolded laundry or unswept floors. Do not let her grab a book and relax alongside her husband. Diligence, often one of the Enemy’s virtues, when overdone can be used to our advantage as well. Convince her that as long as there is a shred of work to be done (and there always is), no one should be resting. Then, as she folds and sweeps and he sits, you can introduce the sweet bitterness of resentment. 

... Now, onto the children. Lovely little opportunities for us, the children, especially the little ones. We all know that children are a favorite tool of the Enemy. He calls them Blessings and Gifts and calls parents to lay down their lives for them, just as his Son did. Insane, I know. We must convince her that the obnoxious little people she has charge of are not really worth her sacrifice. When the Mother first dreamed of having children, she probably imagined large, innocent eyes and chubby, happy grins taking up the majority of her days. 

Do your best to shatter those expectations. Instead, draw attention to how much they take from her. Let them take and take and take… And need and need and need, until the Mother feels totally spent. Let them start crying at the same time for the most irrational of reasons. Let the noise bother her. Let their bad behavior surprise her. Do your best to make the day-to-day monotony of diaper changes, meals, and baths seem simultaneously overwhelming and beneath her. Let her think of all the better, more important things she could be doing with her life, if only she didn’t have the children."


Reading this whole letter helped to silence those little voices in my head. It helped me to focus beyond our current struggles and our present messes, and reminded me that motherhood is a sacrifice that is worth making.

So I'm back to doing the next thing, and trying to focus on the things that really matter. And praying that I can joyfully line our nest with more of me, because that is what mother ducks are made to do.

Grow: Looking to 2016

This December hasn't been feeling like the usual holiday season for us. We've skipped on doing any Advent activities, and I've decided to forgo getting a Christmas tree. If you've noticed, we've yet to do any Christmas-related crafts this year. We've also opted to spend our time quietly at home, rather than join many of the December camps/programmes, save for art classes for Junior J. 

December is usually full of celebrations for us (we have three birthdays in the family!), but this round, we've kept it as simple as we could go. Baby J's turning two was celebrated with a simple dinner out with my parents, while I asked for a home-cooked dinner for my own birthday, because it was just so much easier to feed the kids at home. 

Instead, I've been using this month to think hard about the year ahead. 2016 will be a year of many changes. We've received our certificate of exemption from compulsory education (thank you God!), and are gearing up for our first official year of homeschool. Opening up that letter from MOE, and finding the cert brought a rush of mixed feelings: of relief that our application was successful, of terror at the enormous responsibility of being the almost sole educator for Junior J, of excitement for the school year that is to come. To be honest, I must say I am feeling a little overwhelmed by the thought of having to juggle homeschooling a Primary 1 kid on top of regular household chores and caring for the kids. For now, I'm trying my best to focus on matters of the heart, and the ingraining of good habits, instead of looking at the academics and activities, so that we can have a smoother journey forward. God knows that I sorely need to inculcate some good habits myself!

With that in mind, I think my one little word for 2016 would be "Grow". I hope the new year would be one where we can see the boys growing in character, and I've been talking to the older two about how they would need to assume more responsibility at home, especially when baby comes along in February. (You can read about our one little word for 2015 here.)

I was busy doing up photobooks for the grandparents recently, and came across these photos, taken in the months after Baby J's arrival. It reminded me of how the first year after having a new addition is a year of juggling and of having to adapt to many changes. It is a year of learning to cope, of taking it step by step, of having to slow down. Yet, it is also a year of sweet memories, of baby smells, of new discoveries, of seeing your little ones grow, of having the triumph of surviving yet another day of crazies. After having three kids, I've learnt that life does settle into a more predictable and easier flow after baby turns one, and I'm hanging on to that hope for the year ahead.

And as if a newborn and homeschooling is not enough, we might also be looking at a move to a bigger home in 2016 too. (Talk about growing huh?) We've stayed in our current home for a decade since the hubby and I got married, and it's seen the arrival of all our babies. However, with four, and us staying home more often due to homeschool, we are thinking it might be time to move some place bigger so that the kids have more space. (So if you happen to be looking for a fairly large HDB flat with three bedrooms, a hardworking kitchen, and located near many good playgrounds and amenities, drop me a note!) This is still in the works though, since there are many uncertainties and what-ifs, so we'll see how it goes, and are leaving it in God's hands to see if everything pulls through.

I am very thankful for the year that has passed, and God certainly has been faithful. While 2015 has been a blessed one, I am looking forward to 2016!

Monday Musings: Keeping it real

I like to take pretty pictures of what we do. Or of our house. And I've been getting questions on how we keep the house so neat. So I thought a glimpse into another part of the house was in order:

This was the state of our study room a couple of weeks back when I was trying to clean it out. This room usually looks like an explosion has gone off in a bookstore or educational store. Given its current messy state, we hardly use this room, and we tend to just shove things in there to get things out of sight. It's still a work in progress. 

Our living room usually boasts a huge mountain of unfolded laundry on the sofa. There are toys scattered on the floor everywhere, and most days it is a struggle to get the boys to mind and help to clean up their messes. The dining table usually has a pile of half-opened mail, and books and toys and all manner of paper clutter. 

So why am I talking about all these messes? I just thought I should mention them, as a reminder that we are just perfectly ordinary people, with our ordinary messes (and a ginormous mess, looking at our study room, sobs!). Our home isn't totally organized or neat. You just tend to see the nicer, neater bits on the blog, because I love taking photos of the nicer, neater parts. It helps me to feel a little better, especially on crazy chaotic days, knowing that there are at least these nice little corners at home where the whole crazy whirlwind of life hasn't really left their mark. However, this blog is about the snippets of our life and what we do. And our life in general can be chaotic and messy, and at most times not picture-perfect, so I guess this post is just checking in and keeping it real. 

I'm no supermum, and our home's not "Home and Decor" picture-worthy. We have our beautiful messes. I'm still working on that study, and hopefully in time to come it'll be a room we could actually use. Meanwhile, let's celebrate the ordinary, and don't forget that what you see in blogs is just the lovely edited corners of someone's life!

Have a blessed week!

Dear Mummy with the mixed feelings...

Maybe you were the one having a sinking feeling this morning, when you remembered the pile of sheets you had to wash because of a leaky diaper. Or maybe you were feeling defeated, when by 9 am the kids already had two fights. Or perhaps you were frustrated, because the two year old was throwing a tantrum before breakfast, because he wanted tissue to wipe his tears but the tissue box was empty, simply because the day before he had taken all the tissues out, shredded them and threw them all over the house.

Perhaps you were the mum who felt bad for shouting at your toddler, because he was grumpy from waking up three times the night before, and absolutely refused to eat his cereal. Or you lost your temper when your little foodie, who usually gulps down his lunch in 15 minutes, demands for "Pasta only!" and screams when you put sauce in his bowl, and then needs to be fed his lunch while you had to bounce a fretting baby in a carrier. You might be the mum who felt like tearing her hair out because the kids didn't want to drink their water the whole day and had to be chased with their water bottles.

Or you might be the mum who yelled at the kids, when you went to the toilet and returned to find that they had found some twine and a scissors, and were busy cutting little bits of fibre and flinging them everywhere. And then you felt terrible for losing your temper, especially when you just told them not to yell at each other.

You may be the mum who felt too tired to bring them down to the playground to play, and then was plagued by feelings of guilt. Or you may have been fighting this rising sense of irritation with the older kids, who didn't seem to be able to turn their volume down when you were trying to get the baby to sleep.

Maybe you were the tired mum, who had to rock the baby to sleep umpteen times, because he woke up every single time you put him down during his naps. Or your back ached for carrying him almost the whole day while you did your chores. Perhaps you struggled to feed the baby because he was fussy or didn't want to drink or was just plain distracted.

Perhaps you were the mum who felt frazzled, because you had to bathe the kids while the baby wailed in the background, but the kids squirmed and splashed and took their time. Or you felt guilty, because you were rushing to cook and couldn't read a book to them, or because you felt like hiding in the toilet for 10 minutes, to be away from all the "mama mama!"s. Maybe you felt like crying, when someone gives some unhelpful remark like "I've never seen kids fighting so much before!".

Well then, mummy, amidst all the feelings of frustration of things going wrong, and amidst feeling guilty for things that you think you did wrong... take some time to think of the things you did right today. Think of the times the kids played nicely together, and said please and thank you, and the times when they asked nicely for toys and negotiated instead of throwing punches.

Think of the frozen (but still healthy) meal you cooked for lunch, which had veggies in it. Think of the books you read, the booboos you kissed, the advice you dished out (whether or not it was heeded is a different thing). Think of the dinner that went into their tummies, and breathe in the scent of kiddy shampoo and clean skin because you gave them their baths.

Think of the baby growing well, because you have been diligent in feeding him. Enjoy that baby cooing that comes after a feed. Think of the lessons your kids have learnt today, from the books you read, or from resolving the fights they had, or from helping out at home. Think of the relatively chaos-free home that greets your hubby when he comes home. Think of the clean clothes that came out from the washer, because you loaded and ran a wash cycle.

Then give yourself a short break when you can afford it, have that cup of tea, or that bar of chocolate, or that slice of cake. Whatever that tickles your tummy's fancy. Each day comes with its own challenges, and tomorrow would probably be challenging too. And the day after. And the day after that. While we face those challenges each day, it is easy to get stressed over what we did wrong and what we did not do. Even as we try to be better each day, try to remember the things you did right. We are not perfect, but we are saved by grace, so let's extend that grace to ourselves and to other mummies out there!

~~~~~~~

I'm writing this at the end of a long crappy day (what I wrote probably describes everything that happened today!), and I admit that by dinner time I was ready to throw the older kids at the hubby, and run away from home for a couple of days with the baby (since he still had to nurse). Except that the hubby had to attend a late meeting over dinner and only came home when I was putting the older ones to bed. I was so thankful for my mum who came over to help at dinner time. 

And as I was thinking about everything that went wrong today, I realized, there were things that went right. And while each day can sometimes feel like a whole mess, there is always progress as we plug on. So I'm trying to take motherhood from a "glass half full" perspective instead, and I hope you'll join me!

Linking up with:

Friday Five: R is for...

:: Rapid learning: I am always amazed at how quickly toddlers pick up things. Lil J has been fixing his own Duplo creations, doing lots of play cooking, and learning lots of new words. This week, he decided he would take care of his stuffed toys. He started washing them in the play sink ("puppy poopoo alot, wash bum bum"), running to the toilet to "dry" them on our towels ("puppy clean now!"), then cooking for them on the stove ("monkey, hot soup! J blow!") and feeding them. He would then bring them to his bed and pat them to sleep, while singing the alphabet song to them. It also means he picks up all sorts of things from his brother, who tries to get him to do naughty things like throw his toys about!

He loves stacking up the flowers and tells me "dog is driving!"
Even if they topple, he will declare "J fix!" and stack them up again. 

He likes to dress up, like his brother.
Once his hat is on, he declares "Go market! Buy fish!" and heads to the door!

:: Reluctant learner: Junior J is still very particular about what activities he would like to do at home. Books we read have to be about dinosaurs or animals. He doesn't want to try to form letters. Neither does he want to learn how to read. He's been down with a cold, and has been even more unwilling than usual to go outdoors, and has been pretty whiny and cranky. However, this boy has one thing he simply loves and will not say no to. Painting. Give him a brush and some paints and he will happily busy himself for the next 30 minutes or so. Which is why we've been doing more painting these days:

:: Recycling: And speaking of painting, we've been trying to do more crafts with recycled materials. We just bought a new sofa, and kept one of the big boxes... which Junior J declares he wants to transform into another natural history museum. I'm rather glad since this project would probably keep him busy for a week's worth of afternoons! (He has dropped his nap, so keeping this boy busy while I put Lil J down for his nap has been quite the challenge.)

:: Reorganizing: Meanwhile, when time permits, we've been unpacking the last of our boxes. And trying our best to declutter. One major project I'm trying to tackle would be to organize all the learning materials and art stuff that we have, so that everything is easily available when we need it. Its been really slow-going (who has the time to pack on top of the usual child-minding and chores and cooking?), but at least our home is slowly looking more presentable.

:: Reflux: It seems that age makes the process of pregnancy tougher, and this 3rd pregnancy has been the toughest thus far. I've been having rather bad heartburn on and off (something I got sometimes when expecting Lil J), and the sciatica and Braxton Hicks contractions have been most uncomfortable. We're only at week 24 though, so we have some way to go, so I'm just taking it one day at a time!

How was your week?


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Friday Five: Mixed feelings

We've been back for two weeks, and things have now settled into a slightly more predictable routine. The playground trips, the grocery shopping, the visits to the library (oh how we missed being able to borrow books!). There are lots of emotions and thoughts ping-ponging through me right now, so please bear with me as I ramble about a few:

:: Hubby and I have been really exhausted. Junior J refuses to fall asleep at night, until sometimes past midnight, but still gets up at his usual time of 8 plus in the morning. The hubby started work this week, and well, the hours seem longer. They don't seem to be so efficient over here, compared to in Germany.  So dear friends, we're sorry if we don't seem very enthusiastic about meeting up and catching up, since these days all we want is an extra hour of sleep... but I think things should improve in about a month of so!

:: Reading about Gosnell made me really sad. Thinking about how those babies were murdered made me sick to the stomach. And I think it speaks of how callused our world has become, that such things could be swept under the carpet for so long.

:: I was really encouraged by your comments and advice since writing about baby J's growth. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers, and sharing your stories and struggles too.

:: We've been getting reacquainted with our Bob Books while dabbling in a little Jolly Phonics. I am heartened that our reluctant reader is now willing to try to read those little books on his own. He still needs help with the words, but he's trying, and reads those books to his little bear. I think it helps that he is encouraged because his bear (or rather, Mama) cheers every time he manages to tackle a page. Oh, and now he's also gotten himself a new friend, a grey rabbit whose name he can't seem to decide on. Some days he's called Greyie, some days, just Rabbit (thanks to Rabbit in "Winnie the Pooh").

:: I've been feeling rather torn in two these days. We make trips to the playground, where baby J zips around trying to climb stuff he can't really manage, or runs off to poke at grass and ants, and I am left panting as I chase him. Meanwhile, Junior J would be swinging, and asking me to push him higher, and I feel awful that I have to leave him to swing alone because I'm busy chasing Mr Active. Parents of two or more, do you sometimes have this feeling?


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Thankful Tuesdays: What lasts beyond the flames

It was past midnight yesterday when we heard a couple of "explosions".  I was getting ready for bed, while hubby was cleaning the fish tank.  He looked out of the window and smelled smoke.  10 minutes later, he looked out of the window, and there was a fire engine and half a dozen police cars parked downstairs, their lights aflashing.  People started streaming downstairs, so the hubby thought he should go down to check, and asked me to pack our important documents and cash while waiting for him.  So I quickly gathered those things up, along with our wallets... and he came back saying there was smoke, and fires, but they couldn't identify the source so we were supposed to evacuate the building just to be on the safe side.  He went to get the little boy from his room, while I used that little sliver of time to get some things for the boy in case the waiting should be extended.  We took the stairs, went down... and joined the crowd downstairs.  About 15 minutes later, we were told by the policemen that it was ok to go back up, and we saw what was the cause of the explosions and smoke.  Someone had set fire to the bicycles that were parked in the void deck...

After the whole incident, we went back, and put the boy back to sleep (Junior J had slept through most of the episode and only woke up on our way back home)... all the while feeling a little perturbed at how the evacuation was done.  There was no proper notification, and if the hubby hadn't gone down to investigate, we would have not been informed that we needed to leave the house for safety's sake... thankfully he was around, since if he was on call, me and little boy would have slept through it all.

Then I also realized that such circumstances show up what is important or essential to us.  Last night, when there was a hint of a chance that we might not get back to our home, we chose to pack our documents (oddly enough, I left my own educational certs behind while packing the hubby's), cash, passports and wallets, since these were important things that we needed.  While waiting for the hubby to get the little boy, I had chosen to fill up Junior J's water bottle, and I also packed my nursing cover.  Yes, among all things, I worried that he might be thirsty, and I thought if he was hungry or upset, I could have just nursed him.  I didn't think of grabbing any sentimental photos, or jewelry (not that I have much anyway)... but I did ask if we should bring along our camera (but we left it in the end).  It was an eye-opener to see how the threat of fire helps you to see possessions clearly as they should be... as stuff, and nothing else.

So today, we give thanks for safety, and what cannot be destroyed by the ravages of fire:

:: God's love that reaches and saves.  A Saviour that conquers the grave.

:: Family... of hearts filled with love, and helping hands...

:: Laughter... of funny moments shared, and the childish delight of racing through a fountain of water...

:: Memories, that remain imprinted in your mind, though albeit faded... while scrapbooks, photos and cameras may not last the flames...

There's so much to cherish, and so much to be thankful for.  What are you thankful for today? 

Weekend wonderings: Lessons my mother taught me

My mother and I have never got along.  Perhaps its due to our very differing personalities.  She, for one, is a pragmatic, efficient and practical person (To her, buying flowers is a waste of money as they don't last.  Anything purchased for the home must have a practical use, since paintings on the walls just mean more dusting.  Cleanliness is king.), while I tend to be idealistic and quite her anti-thesis (all my crafting, and love for pretty things, along with our overstuffed bookshelves simply makes her aghast, while I roll my eyes at her for wanting to pack her storeroom for perhaps the 100th time in a year).  We have opposite viewpoints on many things, and I must admit many a times, we do come to loggerheads over this and that.

However, though we are poles apart, I do appreciate how she has taken care of me and my brother all these years, quitting her job and making all those sacrifices to bring us up.  I guess one does not really understand how much time and self one has to give up for the sake of your children, until you actually become a parent yourself.  And along the way, I have learnt from her that:

:: The language of love can be a be a hard one to understand, but it can be learnt:
For mum, she was never the demonstrative type, and she wasn't the type to give you a hug, or praise you.  Often or not, good results would be questioned with a "but how did your friends do?".  She is quick to label Junior J as "lazy" if he doesn't want to try new learning activities.  But I've realized that she shows her care and concern through other means.  Like making sure that you have a decent breakfast before school, and trying to buy your favourite foods for lunch.  Or how she cuts Junior J's hair when it gets too long, or boils soup for him to drink, and buys pyjamas for him when he outgrows his old ones.

:: It is the little consistent acts of devotion that make the largest difference:
Mum took the time to ensure that my dad and us were all comfortable.  She was the one who took it upon herself to do all the chores (to the detriment of her health sometimes), and ensured that we always had home-cooked meals.  While she wasn't the type that would sit with us to read a book (she usually had her hands full running her household), or chat with us about our hopes and dreams, she was consistent in caring for us in the way she best knew how, taking care of our physical needs.  I guess even though it was hard to chat with her, it was always nice knowing she would be at home, there, stable and strong, when I came home from a long day at school.

:: Mothers are strong, because we need to be for our family's sake:
No matter what, she kept going.  She perservered on through the events that messed up our family... hung in there and kept at the housework even when she was sick.  And for this, she has my admiration.

We fight, we quarrel.  We hardly see eye to eye.  But she is still one woman that I do respect and love, and I really thank her for all that she has done for me.

And to all mothers out there... Happy belated Mother's Day.  Hope you had a blessed one!

To give up your son...

I have always wondered at the account of Abraham being asked to sacrifice his own son, Isaac in Genesis 22, and never really pondered its significance until I became a parent.  And now I ask myself, will I be that obedient?  Do I entrust the life of my precious little boy into God's hands?  Will I, at His command, be able to let go?  And I admit, letting go is a struggle.

Then I realize, while I ponder and doubt, and hesitate... God has already done the same.  But there was no replacement this time.  No ram to take the place of His Son.  Who walked this earth and became man, only to be pierced, only to die.  For us.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16

Some days, I can't.  But God can.  And did.

Blessed Good Friday, dear friends!

Weaning Wednesdays: Parenthood ain't a competition

Ever since I admitted that Junior J was still co-sleeping and nursing at night... I've discovered a few things.  That co-sleeping isn't uncommon, for various reasons, and sometimes it works to ensure everyone gets enough sleep.  That there is no perfect method/time to night-wean or train a child to get used to sleeping in his own room.  That there are mums out there that are still nursing their older than 2 year old toddler.  Thank you, dear readers, for those who took the time to share your own experiences with us, it was certainly heartwarming to know that parenthood is a journey that we travel with our children, at our family's own time and pace.

And speaking of parenthood being a journey, it seems sometimes it spirals down into a competition.  "I fed my 4 month old baby water at night, and he was sleeping through the night after a week!", I'm told by a stranger at a wedding dinner.  Extended breastfeeding seems to draw as much flak as not exclusively breastfeeding for the recommended 6 months.  "He a boy... and he's already so old!  He'll become a mummy's boy next time", or "Children who breastfeed til they are much older will become introverts!". (Oh yes, perhaps he was spending too much time under the nursing cover and not interacting with other kids instead.  My poor boy.)

Also, there are the mums I know who struggle through breastfeeding (by golly, they say its supposed to be natural, but it is so darn TOUGH.  I know since I've been through it too.  Engorgement.  Mastitis.  Not enough supply.  Too much supply.  Cabbage leaves in the freezer.  Feeding a ever-hungry baby that doesn't think twice on biting.  I know, its just gums at first, but hello, there's tough bone underneath those gums.), and some have regrets about it.  And sometimes the "breast is best" mantra just makes it worse.

Then there's also what you feed your kid ("You mean you let him eat cake, and fries?").  Or the child's learning pace.  Then later there's the test results in school.  And PSLE.  And it goes on.  And on... 

Junior J at 17 weeks, still chubby.  Before he started losing weight from all the fussy eating!

For me, the nursing still continues because the boy still wants to nurse, and that is currently still the fastest and easiest way to get milk into that skinny frame of his (it is still a mini battle to make sure he drinks his cow's milk).  Nursing is also time with the little boy... I know that I do not have much time before he grows up and no longer wants to hold his mama's hand.  Some day, the sweet little boy who loves to give hugs will grow up and we will miss him, so I treasure each and every moment I have with him now.  Even though it gives me funny looks when I nurse him outside under the cover. 

Meanwhile, let's loosen up, and leave each family to journey at their own pace...  Parenthood is tough as it is without having to make all of it a competition.  And for sure, pats on the back, and timely encouragement goes a much longer way to spurring others on! :)

Thinking Thursdays: Discipline in the family

With Junior J hitting the terrible twos, tantrums have been more frequent.  His ability to "bargain" has been getting better too: "Last time, mama?", "Please mama, 5 minutes?", followed by an innocent doe-eyed look.  While we've been trying to be as firm as we could with the little boy, it has been rather tricky balancing discipline and being affectionate at the same time.  So when our church held a talk on discipline last Saturday, both hubby and myself gladly turned up for it!

I thought I'd quickly share some of the points we took home from the talk, especially as a reminder for ourselves.  Also knowing how messy we are, we would probably lose the notes taken at the talk pretty soon!

So here goes:

1. The number one thing I remembered was "to let your yes be yes and your no be no".  And to be firm about what you say, as children do take the cue from us and know if we mean business.  5 minutes is 5 minutes, and we should avoid empty threats like "we're going to sell you to the karang guni", or "we going off now, bye" (followed by pretending to walk away, which we are guilty of doing sometimes at the shopping centre when Junior J refuses to leave because he wants to play with the mentos vending machine!)

2.  To be able to differentiate between wilful disobedience and childish irresponsibility.  Sometimes as children they might need help/games/prodding to finish tasks. :)

3. To be consistent for every child in the family and to avoid showing favouritism.  

4. And good disciplines to adopt in the family (for more concrete examples, do read this blog)

- Being affectionate: Through compliments, courteous words (I'm sorry, its all right, thank you) and signs of affection.

- Creating memories: Celebrating anniversaries and birthdays, telling stories

- Dependence on God: Through praying as a family and for your children and praying for others (and updating your children about any answered prayers).

- Devotion: Pointing our children to God by reading God's Word and Bible stories, and making church attendance a non-negiotiable.

- Dining together: Making it a point that one person never eats alone if others are in the house, assigning each family member a task in meal preparation/table setting/cleaning, reading verses and praying before every meal and sometimes inviting guests over for meals.

I found the talks by two of our pastors really helpful, and they shared alot of stories and examples.  I guess being a parent isn't easy, but, with God's grace and wisdom (and lots of prayer), we will do what we can! :)

Junior J, praying hard during one of our bible study sessions.
(He does peek sometimes!)